you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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