Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
