Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
