I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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