i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
