Will you blow on my dice?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize