How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
sarcasm needs its own font
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's blow job season.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
