He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
