So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
