and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
