Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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