Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
