If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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