Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
