Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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