Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
