You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
