Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
