when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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