I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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