He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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