I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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