i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize