i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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