Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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