So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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