You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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