there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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