My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
