But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
