matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my shit smells like andre
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
