I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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