Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
She bit a glass in half.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
