I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
