guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
