And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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