my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
