I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Terrible idea I love it
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
