i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize