I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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