it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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