so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
