Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
