Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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