I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
