I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
