I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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