Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
