even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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