im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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