Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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