Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
