Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
