Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize