go do what you do best...puke behind churches
this beer tastes like vomit already
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
