Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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