Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
