You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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