theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize