I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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