Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
