Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
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