ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
