Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
